The nice, fat guy...

So, you're overweight, a nice guy and single. Is the problem that you're overweight or that you're a niceguy? Good question.

Question:
Why is it that women will never go out with the fat, nice guy? But if they need help with their relationships you're the first one on their list? I have put up with this all my life and the last two women I have been interested in have backfired majorly. The first one told me she liked me then three days later said she didn't like me as much as she thought, then the next thing I know she lied to me on why she couldn't go to the movies and to top it off she tells me the truth that her boyfriend was over and that's why on my birthday. The next on her, her friend, my friend, and me went out to the movies and she had been hitting on me more than ever before. I know she had a boyfriend but I thought she broke up with him anyways my friend and I spent 60 bucks for the night and at the end she told me that she still had a boyfriend. Now she makes fun of me all the time because I like her. I just don't know what to do. I'm 18 never been on a date or had a girlfriend. I just can't seem to get relationships right or girls period. But when it comes to other peoples relations I can help all the time. I don't know. Can you give me some advice?

Answer
Unfortunately, I'll be the first to say that I don't have all the answers. But I can give you my opinions at the very least. I'm going to say up-front that some of the stuff that I may say may not sound "nice" and I apologize, but I think that honesty works better for dating advice than just being "nice."

The first thing that you do is describe yourself as "the fat, nice guy." I don't know if you're 10 pounds overweight or 100...if it's 10 it's probably not a major factor, if it's 100, it probably is. As for not dating someone who's overweight, put yourself in her shoes. Would you want to go out with someone who's overweight? In our society, we are raised to look upon people who are overweight as either lacking in self-control or objects of pity. While this is far from fair or even accurate, it is part of our society. And neither of these are things that women are looking for in a boyfriend.

As for "being there for them when things go bad," put simply, you're letting them take advantage of you. The movies you've seen and the books you've read where the woman finally realizes that "the friend is the one she should have been with all this time" is a load of s**t. I can say that based on years of experience. Are these women there for you when you've been hurt? Probably not. Unless you're going to be a therapist dump them out of your life and don't waste your energy on them. (It took me until I was 23 to figure this out. Then my life became much easier.)

You're 18, don't spend $60 on a date unless it's at least a 3-month anniversary...if a girl is 18 and expects you to spend that much on a date, she ain't worth it and you'll expect too much from it.

Also, any "girl" (and I wouldn't use the term "girl," the term I'm thinking of starts with a "b" and ends in "itch") who makes fun of you for liking her isn't someone worth dating. It says bad things about her, not you. On the other hand you have my sympathies, you sound a lot like me at 18.

I'm guessing here, but I bet that you don't do much outside of school or work. If this is true, you are probably obsessing on the subject of dating which is pretty much going to stop your chances right there. You may need to work on some outside social and physically active interests. Get yourself so busy that even if you meet someone to date, you'll have to work her into your schedule.

I just finished 6 months of performing in a melodrama and vaudeville show...rehearsals four days a week and performances every Friday and Saturday night. And I dated two women during that time: one who I met through a mutual friend and the other I met swing-dancing (Sunday nights). I can't say enough things in favor of learning to ballroom dance.

Another good activity is martial arts...like everything else, when you first start learning, it sucks, but the more you learn and the better you get, the better you feel about yourself. And that helps your confidence and lack of self-confidence is the bane of most nice guys. Like I said on the site, you need to be able to fight the Dragon and with Martial Arts training you'll know that you can at least get him in a head-lock.

Finally, to go back to an earlier point, if possible, lose the extra weight...if it's a genetic or metabolic thing, get help from your doctor. If not, avoid the fad diets (they are dangerous) and get out and exercise more and eat less.

Here's what I wrote on NiceGuys.Org for the type 3 problem in regards to weight.

Good Luck!!!

- "Mr. Nice Guy"